


The Long Way Home

by Kurukami



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Collateral Damage, Crack, Gen, Meta, Mjolnir's A+ navigational skills, alternative film commentary, but not really, fray-adjacent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:20:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurukami/pseuds/Kurukami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How do I get to Greenwich from here?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Long Way Home

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by, but non-spoilery-of, the climactic confrontation in Thor: The Dark World. Brought to mind by thoughts of how your GPS will attempt to find you a new route if you miss a turn.

* * *

[[timestamp::AST+11218y,32d,26h,12m,17.004s]]  
[[recall initiated::tasking funct.Smith/EITRI]]

“Alright, here we go again. Fire it up, fellows, you know what to do!”

Noise builds quick and steady as velocity shifts and momentum is defied, a basso _wumwumWUMWUMWUMWUM_ that’d thrum right through him were he still corporeal. EITRI gathers daemons with a shout, sending each to their appointed task. 

[[source located]]  
      [[vector calculated::applying a-51.7m,b-20.56m,c+11.19m]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
[[reached source:: time 2.791s]]

A final metallic _whum_ ripples through the structure as their purpose is fulfilled, and the metal around EITRI seems to quiver with satisfaction. 

“Well done, everyone! Another job properly accomplished. Next round of firewhiskey at the tavern’s on me. You know, if you all ever actually drank.”

* * *

[[timestamp:: AST+11218y,34d,09h,28m,42.19s]]  
[[warning::spatial extrusions detected]]

“What?”

[[warning:: spatial extru—

“I heard you the first time, what the hell does that even m--”

[[warning:: juxtadimensional threshold proximity]]

“Gods damn it all, ghost in the fookin’ machine and this thing _still_ pulls out a new trick every so often… now where the hell did I leave that manual…”

[[recall initiated:: tasking funct.Smith/EITRI]]

“What, _now?_ Don’t you want me to finish looking up the--”

[[recall initiated:: tasking funct.Smith—

“Alright, alright, I’m working on it. Keep your garters on.”

[[source located]]  
      [[vector calculated::applying a-13.54m,b+89.46m,c-17.8m]]  
      [[applying…]]  
[[warning:: juxtadimensional threshold proximity]]  
[[source lost]]

“Lost? What do you mean, _lost?_ ”

[[searching…]]  
[[source located]]

“Ahh, good, knew you find it if you tried. Now where…”

      [[vector calculated:: applying a+9.471x10^16m, b+1.8953x10^17m,c-3.1415x10^15m]]

“ _What?_ There’s no way it could possibly be that far. Have you gone mad, you stupid bedamned--”

      [[activate:: protocol//interstellar]]  
      [[estimated time to arrival:: 11y,9d,6h,12m,41.9s]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]

“Oh, well then, looks like you shan’t be needing me for a while, I suppose?”

      [[applying…]]

“Good. Means I can finally get some reading done on this manual of yours. I suspect you keep adding pages when I’m not looking, don’t you?”

[[signal interrupted]]  
[[source lost]]

“… you have got to be kidding.”

[[hypothesis:: juxtadimensional threshold crossed]]  
[[searching…]]  
[[source located]]

“Really. You don’t say.”

      [[vector calculated::applying a-17.54m,b-22.89m,c-29881.85m]]  
      [[applying…]]

_CRUNCH._

“What was that?”

      [[nothing.]]

“That was _not_ nothing, what in Niflheimr did you just hit?”

      [[update:: file,damage/collateral:: satellite/weather/NOAA.89]]

“We’re going to have a long talk later, you and I. Long. Talk.”

      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]

“And don’t you dare try the [[I’m busy right now, can’t talk at the moment]] routine on me. I’ve known you too long to believe that one anymore.”

[[reached source:: time –  
[[warning:: juxtadimensional threshold proximity]]  
[[source lost]]

“Oh gods, not again.” 

[[searching………]]  
[[source located]]  
      [[vector calculated:: applying a+7.352x10^15m,b-4.449x10^17m,c-8.5237x10^15m]]  
      [[activate:: protocol//interstellar]]  
      [[estimated time to arrival:: 25y,189d,16h,1m,12.35s]]  
      [[applying…]]

“Right. Where the Hel did I leave that bottle…”

      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]

“There we go. A dram of this should sustain me through whatever madness is going on outside. I’ll just settle down for a while and--”

[[signal interrupted]]  
[[source lost]]  
[[hypothesis:: juxtadimensional threshold crossed]]

“-- you’re just mocking me now, aren’t you?”

[[source located]]  
      [[vector calculated:: applying a-52.43m,b-44.71m,c-145927.22m]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
      [[applying…]]  
[[warning:: gravimetric spike detected]]

“A what now?”

[[warning:: juxtadimensional breach caused]]

“Someone’s _causing_ them now? Intentionally? What kind of idiot would--”

[[warning:: gravimetric spike detected]]  
[[warning:: juxtadimensional breach caused]]

“Ah, I see. The kind of brilliant idiot who would do so _more than once._ So clearly, we’re all going to die, is that right?”

[[warning:: juxtadimensional threshold proximity]]

“Aaaaand we’re back to this again. Joyous day. Think I’ll just finish off this bottle now…”

[[calculating:: optimal return path, priority:: breach avoidance]]  
      [[vector calculated:: applying a+5731.2m,b-246.01m,c-1093.5m]]

“I had to settle on a quasi-intelligent motile arsenal, didn’t I? Could've forged a soulcopy of myself into a nice quiet shield, merely focused on defense, never getting hurled about hither and yon, but nooooooo, just had to make things that much more complicated for myself. As if being chief weaponsmith contracted to the Aesir weren’t enough of a headache alrea--”

      [[applying a+1231.92m,b-12.05m,c-112.52m…]]  
      [[applying a+917.02m,b+5.71m,c-56.17m…]]  
      [[applying a+288.18m,b-9.09m,c-11.7m…]]

_MEW MEW!_

      [[applying a+56.77m,b+8.82m,c-3.73m…]]

“… wait, who was that?”

      [[IFFdesignate:: Lewis/Darcy/noncombatant/pathing:: priority1avoidance]]  
      [[applying…]]  
[[warning:: gravimetric spike detected]]  
[[reached source:: time 327.81s]]

“Thank the gods, that’s finally over and done with.”

[[warning:: juxtadimensional threshold proximity]]

“No. No, no, no, that’s it, I’m done, I’m writing up my resignation letter and--”

[[activate:: funct.energyBuild:: maximum,time:0.41s]]  
      [[targetLevel:: 6.4x10^24j-mm3]]

“Wait, you want that _now?_ But what about the--”

      [[funct.energyBuild, highest priority]]

“Got it, right, I’m on it, everyone up and at this, _maximum power generation now, gods damn it, right damned now!_ ”

      [[funct.energyBuild.discharge()]]  
[[warning:: juxtadimensional breach caused]]  
      [[discha11!&0.%#+01Ă11000æ101ĦœŔŇ011101Ɯ1101essful]]  
[[c@utioħ:: iZŧernaŁ disſuƥƮiƱn. ƇoƦƏ fŭŉctĭonŞ oŊlinĕ: 19%]]

“… _gurgh._ Ow. Gods. Let’s. Not do that again. Ever. Ever ever.”

      [[æffirŉŋ@tivƐ]]  
      [[functions restoring… 43%...]]

“... so. Darcy Lewis, eh?”

If uru could blush, EITRI would swear it just did.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> In retrospect, this fic only really makes sense if you've seen the end of Thor: The Dark World and treat it like an actor's/director's DVD commentary. I totally blame having seen the movie twice in 24 hours. :)


End file.
